Beyond the Spa Day: Why Self-Care is Actually Nervous System Regulation
We’ve all seen the social media version of self-care: the three-hour spa day, the luxury retreat, or the “treat yourself” shopping haul. But for most parents living in the “messy middle,” those things aren’t just unrealistic—they’re temporary escapes that don’t actually solve the underlying problem.
In a recent episode of the Kids These Days podcast, I sat down with Dr. Brittany Wade to talk about why we need to stop viewing self-care as a luxury we have to earn and start viewing it as a clinical necessity for nervous system regulation.
The Productivity Trap: From "Human Doing" to "Human Being"
One of the biggest hurdles to true self-care is our culture’s obsession with productivity. We often feel like we have to “earn” our rest. We tell ourselves, “I’ll take a break once the laundry is folded, the lunches are packed, and the inbox is at zero.”
This is what my good friend Laurie calls being a Human Doing.
When we tie our worth to our productivity, any time spent on ourselves triggers two major negative emotions: Guilt (feeling like we are taking away from our families) and Pressure (feeling like self-care is just one more task on the to-do list).
The Reframe: Regulation isn’t a reward for finishing your chores. It is the foundation that allows you to show up as the parent, partner, and person you want to be. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you certainly cannot be a Secure Base for your children if your own internal environment is in a constant state of high alert.
Self-Care vs. Leisure: Knowing the Difference
Dr. Brittany made an excellent distinction during our chat: there is a difference between Self-Care and Leisure.
Leisure is an activity like a round of golf, a movie, or a weekend trip. It’s important, but it’s often an extended “break” from reality.
Self-Care is restorative in nature. It is the practical, everyday work of getting your nervous system back to a state of calm.
Self-care doesn’t always happen alone. It can be a hot shower at the end of a long day, a 15-minute walk after dinner with the kids, or even just deciding that you get to pick the music in the car on the way to school instead of listening to “Blippi” on repeat.
Why Modeling Regulation is the Best Parenting Tool
As parents, our default is to prioritize everyone else. But when we neglect our own regulation, our children mirror our dysregulation. They sense when we are “grumpy,” overstimulated, or operating out of survival mode.
When we verbalize our needs—saying, “Mommy had a stressful day, so I’m going to take three deep breaths before we start dinner”—we aren’t being selfish. We are modeling. We are showing our children that we have a toolbox and that it is healthy to check in with our “Smart Brain” (Prefrontal Cortex).
The Grief of the "Previous Chapter"
It’s important to acknowledge that self-care looks different after you have kids. There is a real grief process that happens when we realize we can’t just hop on a plane or spend two hours at the gym whenever we want.
Acknowledging that the “previous chapter” has closed allows us to stop comparing our current lives to our pre-kid lives. Once we let go of how things “should” be, we can embrace the small, restorative moments that are actually available to us right now.
3 Practical Ways to Start the Pivot
The “Morning Silence” Habit: Whether it’s 15 minutes before the kids wake up or sitting in the car for 5 minutes before you walk into the house, protect a window of silence.
Check in on “Equitable” vs. “Equal”: Talk to your partner. Instead of asking for “equal” time, ask who is more depleted. Some days you might need to “tap out” and let your partner handle bedtime so you can regulate.
The Internal U-Turn: When you feel the urge to “go-go-go,” stop. Notice the pressure. Take three deep breaths and ask: “What does my nervous system need right now to feel safe?”
Taking care of yourself isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present.Â
Resources & Next Steps
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Listen to the Podcast: Listen to the full conversation with Dr. Brittany Wade on the Kids These Days podcast for a deeper dive into the “Inside-Out” approach to self-care.
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Work with Dr. Brittany Wade: Visit Thrive Child Psychology for specialized support in Illinois and Florida.
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Identify Your Parenting Values: Grief often clarifies what matters most. Download our Free Values Workbook here.
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The Co-Parenting U-Turn Workbook: Use this to communicate your needs for rest to your partner without the “Stomp and Slam.” Available here.
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Book a Consultation: If you are feeling chronically burnt out and ready for specialized support, book a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation with our team at Integrated Behavioral Health.
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Instagram: Join our community for “Inside-Out” insights @integratedbh.