Beyond "Passed Away": How to Talk to Kids About Death and Dying
When it comes to talking about death, we want to optimize our kids’ happiness and shield them from pain. We worry that if we say the “wrong” thing, we’ll cause irreparable trauma.
But in my recent conversation with bereavement specialist Abigail, we explored a different perspective: Honesty is the ultimate “Secure Base.” When we avoid the truth, kids—who are incredibly intuitive—feel the shift in the energy of the house. They see the tears and the stress, and if we tell them “everything is fine,” we create a “double bind” where they stop trusting their own reality.
Here is how we can navigate the “messy middle” of grief from the Inside-Out.
1. The Power of Concrete Language
As adults, we love euphemisms. We say someone “passed away,” “went to sleep,” or “we lost them.” While these feel softer to us, they are terrifyingly confusing for children:
“Losing” someone implies they can be found.
“Going to sleep” can make a child terrified of their own bedtime.
The Shift: Use the words dead and died. Explain that the body has stopped working. It can’t breathe, it can’t eat, and most importantly, it doesn’t feel any pain anymore.
2. Anticipatory Grief: Filling in the Blanks
Abigail pointed out that children often experience “anticipatory grief” before a loss occurs. Because they often have a deficit of information, they fill in the blanks with their own imagination—which is usually scarier than the truth (e.g., “Grandpa has a cold, and people with colds die, so I might die next.”). We want to be very concrete with children when we explain to them what is happening.
3. The "Script" for Hard Conversations
Abigail recommends a structured approach to prepare both you and your child:
Set the stage: “I have something sad to share. I might cry because I’m sad, and it’s okay if you cry too.”
Give the diagnosis: Use the real name (e.g., Cancer). Explain that the disease is making the body (or brain) not work the way it should.
Pause and follow their lead: Tell the truth, then stop. Let them ask, “Can they still watch TV?” or “Who will make me grilled cheese?” Their questions will tell you exactly how much information they can handle.
4. Re-Grieving and Developmental Milestones
Grief isn’t a one-time event; it’s a lifelong process of “re-grieving.”
Under Age 6: Kids often don’t understand the permanence of death. They may ask when the person is coming back even after you’ve explained they died.
Age 6+: This is usually when permanence clicks. You may see a re-emergence of acute grief as they realize, “Oh, I’m truly never going to see them again.”
Teens: Grief becomes a spiritual and identity-based journey. “What does this mean for my life? Where do they go?”
5. For the Perfectionist Parent: The Power of Repair
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I already told them Grandpa is just ‘sleeping’ and now I’ve messed it up,” take a deep breath.
We can’t master parenting, but we can master repairing.
You can always go back. Say: “Remember when I said Grandpa fell asleep? I want to make sure I’m being really honest with you because I want you to be able to trust me. What I should have said is that he died. That means his body stopped working, and he can’t come back. I’m so sorry if that’s confusing, but I’m here for all your questions.”
Continuing Bonds
Death ends a life, but it doesn’t end a relationship. Whether it’s finding “Gilly the dog” in a rainbow projected on the wall or visiting a grandparent’s favorite breakfast spot, we can model for our kids that we move forward with our loved ones, not just on from them.
Resources Mentioned:
Book: When Hope Changes by Abigail (A fillable script for parents).
Book: The Invisible String by Patrice Karst.
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