We talk about a lot of hard things now. Sleep regressions. Postpartum anxiety. Whether daycare is worth the second mortgage. But somewhere in all that honesty, one topic stayed off the table.
Sex.
Specifically, what happens to it after a baby arrives. Most parents I work with have some version of the same private worry. Something is wrong with us. Everyone else figured this out. We didn’t.
On this week’s episode of Kids These Days, I sat down with Dr. Mallaree Blake, a licensed psychologist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist here in Denver. She spends her days in this exact conversation. And her core message was not what most parents expect to hear.
Nothing is broken. The old version just ended. Now you get to write a new one.
The Six-Week Appointment Sets the Wrong Expectation
Most birthing parents get a six-week check-up. Someone gives them a quick look and says the words: you’re cleared.
Cleared for what, exactly? Dr. Mallaree Blake pointed out how much that moment carries. It suggests there’s a finish line, and you just crossed it. Your tissue has healed, so you should be ready.
But readiness lives in a lot more places than tissue. Your hormones dropped off a cliff. Your sleep is in pieces. Your organs have been rearranging themselves for months. Your entire identity is under construction. As Dr. Mallaree Blake put it, your brain is your biggest sex organ — and your brain has been extremely busy.
So when someone says they got the green light and felt nothing, that isn’t a problem. That’s a body that’s paying attention.
You Had a Sexual Script. It Needs a Rewrite.
Every couple develops a script. Not a written one — a pattern. A way you initiate. A rhythm you fall into. Things that reliably work. You built it over years, and it worked because you knew each other.
After a baby, that script stops running. Initiation feels awkward. Body parts that used to mean one thing now mean something else entirely. Positions that worked before might not be available. The old cues don’t land.
Dr. Mallaree Blake said that when she tells clients this, they usually hear a eulogy. What a loss. But she means the opposite. This is a chance to build something new — and possibly something better, because you’re building it as the people you are now, not the people you were four years ago.
That reframe matters. A couple who thinks they’re grieving stays stuck. A couple who thinks they’re rebuilding gets curious.
What's Actually Happening in Your Body
Let’s be concrete, because the biology is genuinely useful here.
When the baby is born, estrogen and progesterone drop dramatically. That plunge is where baby blues come from — the flatness, the overwhelm, the strange disconnection. Less estrogen also means less lubrication and less blood flow to the genitals. Breastfeeding can extend that hormonal window considerably.
The non-birthing partner is changing too. In men, testosterone tends to decrease, which appears to support bonding with the baby. Oxytocin rises in both partners. So both of you are being biologically redirected toward this small, demanding new person — which is exactly the point, and also why there isn’t much left over for each other.
And then there’s stress. When your nervous system is in survival mode, desire is one of the first systems to go offline. Your body is not going to prioritize pleasure while it thinks it’s prioritizing safety. That isn’t a malfunction. That’s the design.
Brakes, Accelerators, and the Dishes
Dr. Mallaree Blake uses a framework from Dr. Emily Nagoski’s work: desire has both accelerators and brakes.
Most couples have never actually discussed either one. We assume our partner knows. They don’t.
And the answers change after kids. What used to accelerate desire — a nice dinner out, physical touch — may have been replaced by something far less glamorous. Sleep. A partner who noticed the sheets needed changing. Someone handling bedtime without being asked. Dr. Mallaree Blake mentioned research finding that in heterosexual couples, the more housework the male partner does, the more sex the couple has. Your love language may have quietly relocated to acts of service.
The brakes shift too. Being touched out. Resentment. A mental to-do list that won’t stop scrolling. Physical pain. A room that smells like a diaper pail.
The practical move is to stop trying to force the accelerator and start asking what would release a brake.
The Gentle No and the Possible Yes
These two phrases are worth the whole episode.
When one partner reaches out and the other isn’t there, the reflex answer is a flat no. Repeat that enough times and the reaching stops entirely. That’s how couples land in a pursue-and-withdraw pattern that feels permanent.
A gentle no adds a door. Not right now — but I’d love to lie down with you. Ask me again in the morning. I’d like to be close, just not that. Same boundary. Completely different message.
A possible yes works the other direction. Most people experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire — meaning arousal follows contact instead of preceding it. So sometimes the honest answer is I’m not there yet, but I’m willing to see what happens. That only works inside real, ongoing consent, where either person can stop at any point without it becoming a conflict. But within that safety, it gives responsive desire the chance it needs.
Alongside both of these sits non-demand touch — affection that isn’t a question. A hug that’s just a hug. If every point of contact has become a negotiation, one of you is going to start flinching.
When You Feel Like Your Partner's Manager
One more thread that surprised me, though it probably shouldn’t have.
When one parent becomes the default — carrying the appointments, the schedules, the developmental research, the delegation — something corrosive happens. They stop experiencing their partner as a partner and start experiencing them as another dependent.
And that dynamic is incompatible with desire. Sex asks us to be a little selfish, a little free. It’s very hard to access that with someone you’re managing.
Dr. Mallaree Blake was clear that both people have work here. The other partner needs to genuinely step up. But the default parent has to stop rescuing — to back away far enough that their partner can do it imperfectly and differently and still be doing it. Sound familiar? It’s good enough parenting, pointed at your marriage.
Good Enough Sex
You already know I believe in good enough parenting. It turns out sex therapy has the same idea.
Not every encounter needs to be transcendent. Sometimes sex is for stress relief. Sometimes it’s for closeness. Sometimes it’s five minutes of remembering you’re people and not just logistics. When couples ask how much is normal, there is no number — only what the two of you decide is enough, and a conversation about how to get there together.
So if you’re in this stretch right now, feeling like something has gone quiet: you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. You’re two people in the middle of the most disorienting transition there is.
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What You Can Do Right Now
Dr. Mallaree Blake sees clients through Artemis Psychology and Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness in Denver, and she is a genuinely wonderful resource for anyone navigating pregnancy, postpartum, or relationship changes. And if your family is looking for a therapeutic team of your own, our doors at Integrated Behavioral Health are always open.
Connect with Dr. Mallaree Blake
- Artemis Psychology
- Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness
- Instagram:Â @authenticconnectionsdenver
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Integrated Behavioral Health