We have all been there as parents. You want your home to be an open, inclusive, and entirely safe space—not just for your own children, but for their friends, too. You hold wonderful, open-minded values.
But then, the conversation shifts to topics like gender exploration, shifting pronouns, or sexual identity, and an absolute wave of internal panic hits your nervous system.
You freeze. The fear takes over: What if I use the wrong word? What if I accidentally say something that permanently damages my relationship with my child? What if I look completely unsupportive because I’m confused?
When parents experience this level of anxiety, human nature kicks in, and human nature’s favorite coping mechanism is avoidance. We stay quiet because we are terrified of getting it wrong.
In the latest episode of Kids These Days, I sat down with Dr. Marissa Nunes-Moreno, a clinical psychologist and the Director of Mood Specialty Services at the Pediatric Mental Health Institute at Children’s Hospital Colorado. Together, we stripped the shame and perfectionism away from the identity conversation.
Here is the clinical playbook on how to navigate the slip-ups, dismantle the common myths, and show up for your child with radical intention—even when you are still figuring things out.
1. The Illusion of the Flawless Script
First, Dr. Marissa wants to give every anxious caregiver a profound moment of self-validation: Take the fear of making a mistake off the table, because you absolutely will make one.
“Whether it’s as a parent, a therapist, or a teacher, anyone who is in a young person’s life is bound to say the wrong thing at some point,” Dr. Marissa reassures us. “The fear is usually, ‘I’m going to say something so wildly wrong that it will destroy everything forever.’ But that worst-case scenario is highly unlikely.”
In child psychology, secure attachment isn’t built by being a flawless parent who never stumbles. It is built through a process called rupture and repair.
When you make a mistake, acknowledge it, take accountability, and correct it moving forward, you actually build more trust with your child than if you had a perfect script from day one. Furthermore, you model the exact behavior we want our kids to embody: the ability to face a mistake with grace and do better next time.
2. The Mechanics of "Correct and Move On"
Let’s look at a concrete example: Your teenager’s best friend comes over, and they use they/them pronouns. In a casual moment at the dinner table, you slip up and use the wrong pronoun: “What does he want for dinner?”
Instant parental shame hits. You want to shrink into the floor. How do you handle it clinically?
Dr. Marissa’s rule is remarkably simple: Correct yourself swiftly and move the conversation forward.
“Excuse me, they. What would they like for dinner?”
“No young person wants the spotlight put on them,” Dr. Marissa explains. Most kids just want you to correct yourself and move on. If a parent starts over-apologizing and turning it into a massive, dramatic spiral, they are inadvertently shifting the burden. Now, the teenager has to manage the parent’s guilt and make the adult feel better about the mistake. Let’s avoid that.
If it’s a habitual slip-up—say, the tenth time you’ve gotten it wrong that day—simply pause later and offer a low-stakes, direct acknowledgment: “I know I’ve been getting this wrong today, and I caught myself doing it again five minutes ago. I want you to know this is important to me, and I’m sorry. Thanks for being patient with me while I work on it.”
3. Younger Kids and the Work of De-Gendering
We often worry about how to address these concepts with toddlers and young children, but Dr. Marissa notes that younger kids are actually much easier to navigate because they haven’t yet been inundated with societal biases. They are simply trying to learn the “rules of the world.”
If a child sees a four-legged animal and knows what a cat is, their brain categorizes every four-legged animal as a cat until we teach them the difference. Gender sorting operates the exact same way in early childhood. When a child hits daycare or kindergarten, they begin absorbing rigid binary rules from external environments: “Boys can’t play with dolls,” or “Dresses are only for girls.”
Parents can actively combat this by intentionally de-gendering everyday items and behaviors early on:
Toys are just toys: If your little boy wants to nurse a baby doll or your little girl wants to put Barbies in the back of a dump truck, let them. It has zero bearing on their developing identity; it simply means those toys look fun to play with.
Keep explanations matter-of-fact: When a young child asks a question like, “Why is that boy wearing a dress?” you don’t need a grand, philosophical lecture. Lean into simple, heart-centered truths aligned with your family values: “Because wearing that dress makes him happy in his heart, and in our family, we care about people being happy.”
4. Two Pervasive Identity Myths to Retire Immediately
During our conversation, Dr. Marissa highlighted two major cultural myths that consistently keep parents stuck in a cycle of anxiety and avoidance.
Myth 1: “If we talk about it, we will influence or cause it.”
This fear mirrors old parenting anxieties across multiple topics, from mental health to sexuality. But behavioral science explicitly proves that open conversation does not create or perpetuate an alternative identity. What conversation does create is a relational safety net. It signals to your child that no matter how they naturally unfold across their development, your relationship is a soft place to land.
Myth 2: “I have to fully understand this before I can support my child.”
Dr. Marissa introduces a gorgeous clinical tenet borrowed from a historic youth documentary: Do good before it feels good. There is no way we can understand everything from the get-go. But you don’t have to fully comprehend the nuances of modern gender terminology to validate, respect, and love your child. Align your behavior with your core family values—kindness, safety, and dignity—first. Let your loving actions take center stage while you do the work to learn and catch up in the background.
5. Banish the Phrase "It's Just a Phase"
As young people step into adolescence, they enter a major developmental milestone designed for self-exploration. They will try out different styles, changing friendships, distinct subcultures, and diverse expressions.
When parents dismiss these explorations by calling them “just a phase,” it functions as a linguistic weapon that shuts down vulnerability.
“Even if a child’s style or expression changes ten years down the road—which is normal, considering we all change across a decade—treating their current identity as a temporary phase means you end up missing who your kid is right now,” warns Dr. Marissa. “It fundamentally fractures the relationship.”
Meet your youth exactly where they are standing today. Lead with open curiosity, protect their emotional safety, and remember that you don’t have to be a perfect parent to be a safe one.
Resources & Links:
Children’s Hospital Colorado: Explore specialized family systems and behavioral care options at the Pediatric Mental Health Institute.
Integrated Behavioral Health: If you are trying to untangle your own childhood programming, manage parenting anxiety, or build a stronger communication loop inside your family, our clinical doors are open. Reach out to our Denver office to schedule a supportive consultation today.