We see the adorable videos across social media daily: twins completing each other’s sentences, holding hands in their strollers, and laughing in perfect synchronicity. It is a beautiful, captivating dynamic to witness.
But behind the matching outfits and built-in playmates lies a highly complex, unique psychological landscape. For parents of multiples, the physical exhaustion of the early years is a given—but the emotional task of helping two identical or fraternal children form distinct, independent identities is where the real work begins.
In the latest episode of Kids These Days, I sat down with Dr. Margot Lewis, a licensed clinical psychologist, military veteran, and founder of Twinsight Therapy. As an identical twin who wrote her doctoral dissertation on identity formation in multiples, Dr. Margot bridges the gap between empirical behavioral science and lived, personal experience.
If you are a parent of twins feeling the crushing pressure to raise perfectly equal, perfectly happy children, our conversation is the clinical permission slip you’ve been waiting for.
1. The Concept of "Double Attachment" and "Double Separation"
In standard child development, a singleton infant forms a primary attachment with their caregiver. To find their identity during adolescence, they go through a single separation process: untangling their sense of self from their parents.
Twins, however, operate under a framework known as double attachment.
It starts in the womb with your womb-mate, Dr. Margot explains. You are forming a conscious and subconscious bond before you are even born. When you come out, you have an attachment to your parent, but you also have this ultimate closeness with your co-twin.
Because of this double attachment, twins must navigate a double separation. To truly individuate, each child must separate from both the mother and their co-twin.
Because twins frequently look alike, share the same environment, and sync their nervous systems from infancy, this individuation is almost always a delayed process. While singletons begin solidifying their personal identity in early adolescence, twins often do not fully achieve this until late adolescence or early adulthood.
2. The Danger of the "Co-Soothening" Object
Have you noticed your young twins refuse to calm down unless they are right next to each other? While comforting to watch, this dependency has a psychological flip side.
Twins frequently use one another as primary self-soothing objects. Dr. Margot shares a vivid memory from her own childhood: “When I was growing up, I used to hold my sister’s hand and suck my thumb. That was my way of feeling safe and secure.”
Because twins have an ever-present, built-in system for emotional regulation, they often delay developing their own internal coping mechanisms. Singletons are forced by proximity and circumstance to learn self-soothing and boundary navigation early. Twins can bypass that frustration by leaning on their womb-mate, meaning parents must be incredibly intentional about stepping in to cultivate independent regulation skills.
3. Ditch the 50/50 Trap: The Cookie Dilemma
Perhaps the most liberating takeaway from Dr. Margot’s work is her warning against the myth of perfect parental equality. Many parents of twins carry an immense burden of guilt, constantly striving to split their attention, their time, and their resources exactly 50/50 down the middle.
According to Margot, this is not only an exhausting way to parent, but it also backfires developmentally.
“I will tell you from growing up,” Margot laughs, “the half of the cookie that I got was never as big as my sister’s half, no matter how evenly my parents split it. The twins will never perceive it as equal. So don’t even try. It is an unrealistic and unhelpful burden.”
When parents try to force an illusion of perfect sameness (e.g., buying the same toys, enrolling them in the same classes, dressing them in the same clothes), they teach their children that life must always be perfectly symmetrical to be fair.
In reality, life is asymmetrical. One child’s shoes wear out faster than the other’s. One twin might need speech therapy or occupational therapy while the other does not. By allowing these differences to exist naturally, you build psychological flexibility and real-world resilience.
4. Practical Strategies for Twin-Conscious Parenting
How do you actively foster individuality without discouraging the beautiful, unique twin bond? Dr. Margot highlights several actionable interventions parents can implement early:
1. Separate Clothes, Separate Names
Stop referring to your children collectively as “the twins” in your daily dialogue, and politely correct onlookers who do. Address them as individual humans: Johnny and David. Avoid dressing them in identical outfits. They deserve to look in the mirror and see a self that belongs entirely to them, not a carbon copy of a sibling.
2. Protect Separate Playdates
It is highly common for twins to resist playing apart because they are accustomed to the non-verbal ease of their twinship. However, sharing a friend group prevents them from learning how to adapt to other children’s unique styles of communication and cooperation. Actively advocate for individual playdates where each twin can experience a social dynamic unbuffered by their co-twin.
3. Combat the Caretaker vs. Cared-For Roles
If one twin experienced a lower birth weight or early medical struggles, an implicit family role can solidify without anyone realizing it. One twin becomes labeled as “the vulnerable one who needs help,” while the normal-weight twin becomes the default “caretaker.”
Watch for these rigid patterns. If you notice a twin stepping in to answer for or protect their sibling, redirect them with clear, warm scripts: “Your brother can handle this himself, sweetie. You don’t need to take that on.”
5. Short-Term Pain for Long-Term Gain
Moving your twins into separate classrooms or sending them on independent outings with each parent might trigger a brief period of intense protest, anxiety, or emotional dysregulation.
But as Dr. Margot emphasizes, separation is not severance. “Short-term pain is completely worth the long-term gain,” Margot states. “When twins are kept completely enmeshed through childhood, I see the consequences in my practice with adult multiples. They struggle immensely with joint decision-making, constantly looking to the other to validate their life choices—even extending into their marriages.”
By choosing to lean into small, slow, and steady moments of separateness today, you are giving your children the ultimate gift: the confidence to stand securely on their own two feet.
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Raising multiples takes an extraordinary amount of intentional, high-capacity parenting. If your home is experiencing a severe relational disturbance, or if your twins are struggling with deep anxiety and behavioral cycles that regular parenting advice hasn’t cured, you may benefit from specialized, twin-conscious support.
At Integrated Behavioral Health, our team provides evidence-based, compassionate care designed to help your entire family system thrive. Contact our Denver office today to connect with a clinical specialist.
To learn more about tailored parenting coaching and twin-specific clinical support, visit Dr. Margot Lewis at Twinsight Therapy.