If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I have told you a hundred times to put your shoes away,” you are likely stuck in what Dr. Chris Barclay calls Referee Mode. You’re blowing the whistle, handing out violations, and feeling more like a policeman than a parent.
But here’s the hard truth: if you’ve said it a hundred times and they still aren’t doing it, it’s not that the child is a slow learner—it’s that we haven’t yet taught the skill.
In this episode of Kids These Days, I sat down with Dr. Chris to discuss his “Ref Less, Coach More” framework. Dr. Chris is a psychologist and behavior analyst who has spent the last decade helping educators and parents move from “irritable” responses to “instructional” ones.
1. The 4 Rs: How to Spot the "Referee" in You
Dr. Chris outlines the four signs that you’ve slipped into a reactive, referee mindset. When we are in this mode, we focus on rules and punishment rather than growth:
Reprimanding: Focusing only on what not to do.
Repeating: Saying the same directive over and over (which teaches kids they don’t have to listen the first time).
Raising Your Voice: Matching the child’s volume rather than modeling regulation.
Removal: Using “the highway” (time-outs or loss of privileges) as the only tool for order.
2. The COPE Model: Your Coaching Playbook
To move back into “Coach Mode,” Dr. Chris suggests following the COPE acronym:
C – Confirm: Acknowledge the difficulty. “Yeah, cleaning up is hard when you’re having fun.”
O – Options: Offer choices to restore autonomy.
P – Prompting Skills: Remind them of the “drill” using visuals or “mulligans” (redos).
E – Empowering Boundaries: Set the “scrimmage” conditions. “When the room is clean, we can head to the park.”
3. Repetition is the Point
One of the most liberating parts of our conversation was the reminder that instruction takes repetition. We don’t expect a child to learn to shoot a basket or play a piano scale perfectly on the first try—so why do we expect them to master emotional regulation after one conversation?
When we shift our mindset to see ourselves as coaches, we realize that repeating the “drill” is a normal part of the learning process, not a sign that our child is “misbehaving.”
4. The Ultimate Goal: "I’m On Your Team"
The best part about being a coach? You get to be on the same team as your child. When we get stressed, it’s easy to treat our kids like the opponent. But reminding them (and yourself) “I am on your team” changes the entire family dynamic. It moves you from a person they run from to a person they run to when they have a problem.
Resources & Next Steps
Ready to stop policing and start coaching?
- Follow Dr. Chris Barclay: Find his guides and tips on Instagram here.
- Integrated Behavioral Health: Looking for a skill-building, neuro-affirming approach to your child’s behavior? Connect with our team.