If you have ever sat across from your child’s teacher during a parent-teacher conference and heard the words, “They are an absolute joy to have in class—I don’t see any of the issues you’re describing,” only to go home to a literal whirlwind of meltdowns, this post is for you.
For parents of neurodivergent children, this “gaslighting” effect is incredibly common. It leaves parents feeling confused, frustrated, and often blaming themselves for their child’s behavior. But in our latest episode of Kids These Days, former school social worker and neurodivergent advocate Hannah Higgins joins me to pull back the curtain on why this happens and how you can become the advocate your child needs.
1. What is Masking?
Hannah describes a phenomenon called masking, where a student appears well-behaved, follows directions, and hits academic benchmarks, but is “suffering inside” to do so.
Think of your child’s nervous system like a battery. Throughout the school day, they are bombarded with sensory input: bright fluorescent lights, the smell of the cafeteria, the noise of the hallways, and a constant stream of commands like “line up,” “get your lunchbox,” and “sit still.”
2. Red Flags Teachers Might Miss
Because masking looks like “good behavior,” teachers often miss the subtle signs that a child is overstimulated. Hannah suggests looking for:
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The Shutdown Response: Appearing disengaged, disconnected, or isolated.
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Recess Patterns: Sitting alone or sticking close to adults for predictability.
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Schoolwork Resistance: Being unable to complete work in class despite having the “ability” to do so.
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The “Vincent’s Curtsy” and Fidgeting: Subtle physical signs of anxiety or sensory seeking.
3. Navigating the School System: IEP vs. 504
One of the biggest hurdles parents face is knowing which legal path to take. Hannah breaks down the two main supports:
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The 504 Plan: This is focused on access. It provides accommodations (like extra time on tests, fidgets, or wiggle seats) to ensure the student has the same access to education as their peers.
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The IEP (Individualized Education Program): This is focused on specialized instruction. It is for students who need more than just accommodations; they need specific goals and services provided by a specialist.
Hannah’s Golden Rule: Get it in writing. Document your concerns at home and share them with the school. Even if the teacher isn’t seeing the meltdowns, your data as a parent counts.
4. Tactical Advocacy: What to Ask For
If your child is struggling with sensory overload or executive functioning, here are a few accommodations Hannah and I discussed:
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Access to a Sensory Room: A designated, separate space where a child can go to decompress before a meltdown happens.
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Chunking Assignments: Breaking big projects into smaller, manageable steps.
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Extended Time: Reducing the pressure on testing and quizzes.
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Visual Schedules: Using pictures to help the child predict what is coming next.
4. A Message for the Parent in the Thick of It
It is easy to feel like the “meltdown” at home is a result of your parenting. But as Hannah beautifully stated, “Just love your child for who they are… honoring your kid for who they are and celebrating their strengths will help them thrive.”
If your family is navigating these neurodivergent hurdles and you need a supportive team to help you find the right path, our group practice, Integrated Behavioral Health, is here to help. We provide the comprehensive evaluations and therapeutic support necessary to bridge the gap between school and home.
Resources & Next Steps
- Hannah Rose Therapy: Psychotherapy for neurodivergent adolescents and adults. Hannahrosetherapy.com
- Avocado Solutions: Hannah’s new app designed to help parents navigate the IEP and 504 process with confidence. Advocado.solutions
- Legal Resources: * Colorado Department of Education
- IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act)
- Integrated Behavioral Health: Dr. Courtney’s group practice in Colorado, providing evaluations and therapy for neurodivergent hurdles. Integratedbhs.com